I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

I repeat this over and over and over again at least 100 times a day no exaggeration.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

The newest affirmation given to me by my healer. My healer who I trust beyond anyone I have ever worked with. Every therapist, doctor, meditation or yoga teacher, anyone.

Sometimes I think I trust her more than I trust myself.

I am healing. I’ve been healing. Learning to love myself. Learning to trust myself. Learning to accept myself. Learning how to be in my body without wanting to escape it. And it is a process.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

This affirmation is different than the others. I’ve gone through many.

I am safe in my body.

My body is a temple of love.

It is safe for me to be seen heard and recognized.

So on and so forth.

I believe in these affirmations. I believe that they were sent to me through my spirit guides, channelled through my healer. I believe. I believe. I believe.

And I am working on the healing. I am trying to be patient. I have come so far from where I used to be. So far. It’s true. It’s fact. I know it. I feel it. I see it.

But I am healing, I am not healed. Is anyone ever healed? I don’t know. I do believe you can let go of an issue. Move on from pain. Move forward. I believe. It’s true. I do.

This morning and every other morning before that, over the last couple of months, and maybe more, I find myself hating my reflection.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

Pulling at my skin in a way that I thought I had left behind.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

Asking my husband, why am I still fat? Why do I look fat? Why do my clothes all look like shit? How how HOW could you be attracted to me?

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

I work with people who are in recovery from Binge Eating Disorders. People like me.

People who are sometimes in the beginning or sometimes needing guidance on how to move forward in mid recovery. And I tell them.

Acceptance is key. Meeting yourself where you’re at is key. Understanding that you are good enough in this moment is key. Striving to love who you are and what you look like right now without conditions is key.

And all of that is 100% true.

And I give them the self forgiveness meditations that were given to me. And I give them affirmations much like my healer gives me and I hold their hands and I help them heal and I tell them I promise it gets better. Because it does.

It does get better. It is better. I am much better than I was.

And then I look in the mirror at my naked body and cry. And I go to the gym and I cry. And I panic over the food I ate and I cry.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

When will this ever go away? Will it ever go away? Will I ever have a good relationship with my body? Am I really capable of helping people?

Yes. Yes to all of it.

Yes, because that hateful voice has gotten so much less hateful and present.

Yes, because I can walk out of the house in a tank top and not have a panic attack.

Yes, because I have helped people, I AM helping people.

Patience.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

Healing is a journey. God, I want to punch myself in the fucking face sometimes when I say that. Because fuckkk it’s hard.

FUCK!!!!

I want it to be faster and smoother. I want to feel better now. I want to feel FULLY better now. I want to make true peace with my reflection. With my body. With myself.

I want to stop calling myself unworthy or a loser or second guess every blog post, instagram post, facebook post, twitter post, or photo. 

I want to stop thinking I am less than other people or thinking that everyone else is thinking I am a joke.

A joke.

That is how I feel a lot of the time. In my isolation. In my trying to figure it all out. In my starting a business that is slow to pick up. Writing a book that is slow to pick up. Writing a blog that is slow to pick up. Everything.

Everything feels so slow. As slow as the healing process.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

So I shout to the Universe, to God, to the Goddess, to myself.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

Even when I don’t believe it.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.

I repeat repeat repeat and it works most times. It keeps me from the spiraling out. It makes the reflection a little easier to overcome. A little less painful. It takes away most of the power of that part of me that wants to stay hidden and in pain. That part of me that doesn’t believe I deserve success or to be seen heard and recognized. It reminds me that I am safe in my body, in my life.

And It works about 90% of the time.

And some days I just scream it out because I have to, because maybe it will work again today too.

So, I’ll keep repeating because it’s what I’ve got right now. The tool that seems to be helping the most.

And I’ll keep believing or pretending to believe when I can’t access the real believing.

And I’ll keep having faith.

And I’ll keep shouting to myself and the powers that be.

I am loved. I am safe. I trust. I am open. I allow.