When The Body Talks Back
I’m writing this while laying on my couch with a an ice pack on my back, trying to see how hilarious it is that the body works in the way that it does, so I can turn my tears into laughter.
A week ago my pelvis/back went out for the first time in a year. After a weekend of rest and short walks and real moments of happiness and fun I was more or less back into place. When my pelvis goes out, I go crooked, so in order for me to be in shape enough to be fully functional I need to be balanced. My spine straight. My pelvis popped back in. In order to heal I need a mix of rest and movement. Easy movement.
Come Monday, I was feeling a lot better, albeit a little crooked, but I could sit longer and stand longer and take longer walks than I had been able to days before. I was on the up and up. And then Tuesday I wrote that post about my issues with sex and dissociating and ignoring my lower half. My tongue went numb. My breath was labored. And the next morning I woke up and my pelvis was out again.
This shouldn’t be a surprise to me. I am highly somatic and always have been. My emotions come through my body. And even though I know all of this, it was still a shock. An angry and frustrating shock.
That post was A LOT for me to handle. The response was amazing and beautiful. The release was amazing and beautiful. And yet, my body responded otherwise. This is what happens when you spend your whole life dissociating. It is easy for my body to have a mind of it’s own, because I have only recently, within the last couple of years, started to have a real dialogue with it.
For all of my life, I learned through pain. Emotional and physical. I am ready for that to be over. I am ready to learn through joy and peace. I no longer need chaos and loneliness and depression and severe physical pain or illness to learn my lessons. I embrace and accept that, that is what is happening right now. I give my pain a nod of gratitude for all it has taught me and is teaching me. I am doing my best to listen and learn what it wants me to know. And, I am ready to move on.
Pain no longer serves me in the way it has in the past. I don’t need to be knocked out and stuck on a couch crying. I am ready to be in my life. Experience life. Feel life. And I am ready to do that without needing to hit rock bottom first.
With all of that said it still amazes me how the body works. I may not know what it needs yet. I may not be able to hear fully yet. But still, it is pretty awe inspiring that I put a blog post out dealing with sex and not being in my body, and my body responded, my PELVIS responded loudly.
I am not sure what she wants or needs. I have asked her every day. Begged and pleaded for her to speak up in a softer way. In a way that I can listen and take in and hear, so I may move forward. I haven’t heard back yet, so I am doing what I know.
I booked an appointment with my healer. I am searching for doctors (any and all recommendations of dr’s with a holistic lean in NYC that take insurance are appreciated). I am doing my PT exercises daily. I am taking small walks. I am trying out Tapping. And I am writing and speaking out my emotions so they don’t get stuck.
I was hesitant about writing this post because I don’t want everything I put out to seem negative, but this isn’t negative, this is my healing path. It doesn’t serve me or anyone else to hide what it looks like.
My body responding in the way that it did only means that it is listening. That old ways are having a hard time with me moving on from them. I get it. So, thank you old way. Thank you for all that you do and all that you have done. You will always be an option I can go back to if necessary, so don’t fret, I am not throwing you away or discarding you. But it is time for a new way to come forward. I am ready for that now.
All my love.