Everything is MORE than okay
A couple of weeks ago I submitted my manuscript. I’ve been in editing brain for about a year now. The most I have been able to write, outside of this project, has been an instagram post. It’s all I have had the energy for, including surrounding my coaching career. I’ve worked weekly with the client I have and said yes to the one offs and speaking opportunities that have come my way, but beyond that I have had no energy to develop it. Every piece of me has been going into this book.
I don’t know how people do this when they have a full time job. I am beyond privileged to be given the time to make my art and heal. I know this. Trust, I know this. It is not something I take lightly or for granted. I fight off the guilt I have around it almost daily.
Last week was the first week since February that I haven’t had my book to work on. I felt lost, confused, and had no idea what to do next. Like, actually no idea. I got my period and felt overwhelmed by literally everything. I had a session with a client, reached out to some people who I had been putting off reaching out to and then I fell apart.
My head was spinning.
What can I do? What do I do? How do I move forward now? How do I make money? How do I get clients? What if she hates my book and doesn’t sign me and then I’m back to square one? What if I’m lonely and confused and depressed and in pain and feel like this forever? What if I ruin this new beginning for us and bring all my shit into this apartment and fall apart like I do everywhere else? What if my friends hate me and Ben leaves me and I never find real happiness or success and die?
These thoughts consumed me. I barely slept and felt completely paralyzed by my anxiety and depression. I cried and got angry and did everything possible to numb the fuck out. Then, in the middle of spiraling, my pelvis/back went out for the first time in over a year. And there I was again, crooked, stuck on the couch or the bed, unable to get to the bathroom or walk by myself. And I knew. I got it. I heard it. My body screaming at me, to chill the fuck out, everything is okay. Everything is MORE than okay. In fact, things are the best they have been in a long time.
I, in this forced stillness, could hear again. Without all of the distractions I was creating, the worry eased and my inner voice came through.
Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Be still for a second. This is not forever. The answer is coming. The next step will present itself. No need to panic. Take things one moment at a time. Do the next right thing. Be grateful for all of the insanely incredible things you have in your life right now. Allow yourself to feel this. Do you realize how much BIGNESS JUST HAPPENED GIRL? This is normal.
THIS IS NORMAL.
In the last month and a half we moved back to Brooklyn, I turned 32, finished the most comprehensive intense edit of my manuscript, and sent it in. So many new beginnings and terrifying endings all at once.
It is okay for me to have a moment of confusion and overwhelm and fear. To fall apart for a minute. Because at this point in my healing I know myself enough to know that a minute is all it will be. I will pull myself up and out and rise to the occasion. I will do what I can and trust and have faith that whatever the next step is will show up and I will be right there to meet it, ready to take it on.
I am okay. Everything is okay. Everything is MORE than okay.
Until a clear next step presents itself I am going to take this week to do what I know and challenge myself to start writing outside of my book again. I have a new project I am ready to begin and my blog has been neglected for way too long. It’s time.
My intention is to write every day this week, whether I post it or not is to be determined. Bare with me, it’s been a while. My voice feels a bit shaky, I feel a bit shaky. I am not sure what I am ready and willing to share. Although let’s be real, knowing me it will probably be most everything. Oversharing is my natural state of being.
I have no idea if anyone will read this or the posts that follow, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is I am showing up and doing it. And that my friends, is all I can do. Show up, have faith, face fears, and take care of myself the best way I know how.
All my love and support to those of you feeling all the intensity of late. From the conversations I have had, I know I’m not alone in it. It's been a weird and crazy time for most people I know. Writing and sharing is one of the many ways I take care of myself during times like these. I encourage you to find something that works for you. Even if it's just taking a shower or sitting and breathing for a minute. Not everyone needs to heal in public like I do. Clearly there are some attention issues up in here. Whatever, I've embraced it. But, hey if you feel called to it, go type something up. Maybe you share it, maybe you don't. Regardless, writing helps. I promise.