A Love Letter to my Past Self
I want you to know this gets better.
I know you don’t believe me. But if I remember correctly there is a little light inside you that you can barely see but know is there.
A tiny light that keeps you going, and hoping, and working, and not giving up even when it seems like you are. Even when you want it all to end and try to make it so, you still know somewhere deep down that there is hope. That you have a future worth fighting for.
I’m here to tell you that little inkling was right.
Your future will be bright.
Sure more shit will come, there will always be some struggle, but you will get through it and grow and realize you are so incredibly ridiculously strong.
Nothing, nothing can break you down, because you are committed to always grow and learn and evolve and strive for happiness. And you will find it.
You my love will stop bingeing. Yes, it’s true. You will actually stop using food to abuse yourself and find peace with it.
You won’t believe this next part but I swear it will be life changing for you.
One day you will be able to look at your eating disorder as a gift, a friend even.
A misguided friend who didn’t know she was doing harm and was just trying to protect you. A friend who didn’t understand or have the tools to do it another way.
You will forgive that friend. After all, the intention was there, and the intention was good.
She just didn’t know any better and how can you blame her, she was seven years old and food was the easiest means to heal the pain in that moment. She didn’t know it would get out of control. She didn’t know it would take over. She just thought she was helping.
I swear, forgiving her will be the most liberating relieving thing you ever do and will be the start to your real healing and lead to what I’m going to tell you next.
You dear girl, will actually start to love yourself, and omg you won’t believe this, you won’t, I know it, but I swear it’s the truth, it won’t be because of weight loss.
I know you can’t believe it. I see you shaking your head. I see you! I know it. But ready, you will love yourself without condition!
There will actually truly be no more “until I get….”.
You will actually be able to stop waiting and find self love in the present, with who you are, with where your life is. I know it sounds ridiculously impossible. But I swear it’s true.
You will find health too. Absolutely.
But the health won’t come when you think it will. It is a journey.
A crazy up and down journey.
There will be moments of fun, and heartache, and love, and pain, and laughter, and tears, and real moments of bliss.
You will be shocked and surprised about how you come to where you end up and excited that where you end up is only going to keep growing keep evolving keep moving forward.
There will be disappointments and frustrations and amazing experiences and moments of awe.
You will surprise yourself constantly. Because you little girl are a brave one.
You will do things you thought would embarrass the shit out of you. That embarrassment will still be there at first for sure, but soon you will get to a place of honoring yourself so much that you almost don’t give a fuck what other people think. And I have a feeling dear one that someday you actually won’t give a fuck, and it will be so liberating and beautiful. Just like you.
Oh child, I know you hurt. I know you can’t see the way out. I’m here to tell you that you sure as hell find one.
You will fight for your life. You will become a warrior. And then you will be asked to soften when fighting no longer serves you.
And you will do that too and find yourself working towards being in the flow of life. And it will be hard and you will be asked to put your defenses down. And it will be scary. But it will be worth it.
I love you little one. I love you with all my heart and I will be there beside you the whole way.
You’ve got this.
Your Future Self