A Huge Personal Win: Making Peace with my Body
I am not always so good at celebrating my successes. It is one of the areas I am working on. So here we go my friends a celebration of a huge personal win for me. I am killing it on my summer goal of accepting my body and dressing weather appropriately.
I am a million percent the most comfortable I have ever been in my own skin and it feels incredible. My arms and chest are sunburnt from going to the beach this weekend--in a bathing suit. Lord knows how long it has been since they have seen this much light. To top it off I had my period. But I didn’t give a shit. I said fuck you to any negative self talk--which surprisingly there was very little of-- another win. I swam in the warm ocean and it was amazing.
When I was a kid I grew up at beaches and in pools. I lived in the water. It was my favorite thing to do. I feel so sad when I think of how many years I spent on dry land, watching other people do my favorite thing, while I sat on the sidelines out of humiliation.
I have made small strides over the years to get back in the water but it had to be under specific conditions and only around specific people. And even then I was uncomfortable or wore shorts to hide myself.
When we lived in LA I made myself get in a bathing suit more often, but still those conditions applied. When we moved back to NY a few months ago I knew that I was going to have to face NY summers. I also knew that I wanted to experience Long Island, the place where I grew up, in a way I hadn’t experienced since I was a kid.
I started slow. With my pelvis issues taking me out of most activity I was encouraged to start swimming. My husband and I joined the suffolk Y as soon as we got back, but even then we were the youngest people there by a long shot, so I felt less intimidated. But still, getting in a bathing suit a couple times a week was progress. I started getting used to seeing my body which has been one of the most important pieces in my acceptance work.
Over the last couple of months I have been forcing myself to wear all of my sleeveless clothing and tshirts, anything that showed more arm or leg than I had allowed in the past. I was nervous at first but pretty quickly I stopped caring. I actually stopped caring.
And then this weekend my in-laws came to town. They are from New Hampshire so we wanted to show them the beach. We decided to go to my grandparents old house in Pt. Lookout, which is one of my favorite places on earth. A place I have mostly avoided, due to shame of not feeling okay enough to join in on the beach fun, and sadness that the house is being sold-- a reminder that my grandparents have both been gone for some time now.
For a moment before they got here I mildly freaked out. I had gotten my period which for me in the past was a solid excuse to avoid the bathing suit issue. But it was a heat wave and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. The girl in a dress sitting on the sand, inappropriately dressed for both the weather and the location.
So I made a choice. A choice to stick to my summer healing plan. A choice to say fuck it. I deserve to be seen. My body is my body. My arms my arms. My legs my legs. No matter what weight I am this is the reality. I am a good and beautiful and strong person and I am worthy of being in public without feeling ashamed and wanting to escape myself. I am worthy of healing in the ocean, playing in the warm waters of my youth-- water that I haven’t felt in probably over 20 years.
For the first time in my life. I am actually truly feeling and experiencing this. For the first time I am allowing myself to be good with my body.
It is allowing me to step into my power as a woman a human a guide a coach a healer in such a huge way. It has given me the confidence to be my goofy self. To be me. The true me. It has given me the strength to up level my business, create a program that I am so confident in, a program that I know with all of my heart can truly truly help people. And it has made me ready to put myself out there in a bigger way.
Moving back in spring was great because we got to miss a third year of winter, but it terrified me to no end. I was so scared of NY summer and scared of being seen by people who knew me. That fear is mostly gone now. Fuck em. This is me. This is my body and I am good with that. Anyone who takes issue, well that is their own shit.
What a relief it is to own myself.
What a relief it is to be me.
What a relief.
My loves I know you struggle too and I want to give you some relief here and offer you some of the same tips I have used to get me to this point. So here is a link to a video where I share 3 simple tips to heal body and food fears.
I hope with all of my heart that it helps.
All of my love and support ALWAYS!!!!