Summer! I will conquer you!!
Happy Solstice and full moon all!!!
It is officially summer!! We made it!! Yayyy!!
And also, let’s be real….ahhhhh oh shit, it’s summer, fuckkkkkk!!!!!
Summer for me, like many others, is a scary and triggering time when it comes to body image.
With summer comes dresses and shorts and t-shirts and swimsuits. With summer comes exposure! Exposure of my body because I am being brave and not letting what my inner mean girl thinks decide how I will dress; Or exposure of my insecurities because I am covering up and very clearly dripping with sweat because I wouldn’t walk out of the house dressed weather appropriately.
I am making a commitment to myself and sharing it with all of you that after having shown my body to all of the internet and wrote about hiding myself, I am going to do everything possible to dress weather appropriate.
I am tired of panic attacks before walking out the door with my arms exposed. Or wondering if my dress is too short. I am tired of being scared of the skin on my arms and legs moving while I walk or speak and feeling paralyzed. I am ready to heal this part of me and accept and love myself as is.
Summer is here and this time I am not going to let my completely irrational fear get to me. I will recognize it exists and understand that some days are going to be easier than others. Some days I am going to have to cover up in order to get out of the house. But most days I will not let that be the case.
I have gained a little weight since moving back. I had a doctor’s appointment a couple of weeks ago and asked to be blind weighed because I don’t ever want a number to decide how I am going to feel. At the end they sent me home with a piece of paper that had my weight on it anyway.
It was nothing huge. But it was real. And while I had moments of uhgggg, I had more moments of, this is okay. Who cares? I am fine. Weight fluctuates and this move and up to the move and after the move and doing the shoot and the aftermath of the shoot, was scary and stressful, so it is only natural for me to have had a momentary gain.
I and everyone else in the world are going to have momentary gains and losses for our entire lives. The most important thing that I can remember is that it doesn’t matter. Really, it DOES NOT MATTER. I am healthy. My blood sugar is good. And the areas where I need some medical attention and healing, well they have nothing to do with weight and I am working on it.
Summer is scary there is no doubt about it. But I am encouraging anyone who reads this and has the same fear around this season to join me in coming out. No more hiding. No more dying of heat stroke because we are dressing for fear.
Trust when I say it is going to be a struggle for me too, but I am done with this. I will be 31 in a couple of weeks and I am done with giving a shit about people seeing my arms in daylight.
Let’s do this!!!