An Exercise in Not Giving a Shit (while totally giving all the shits)
I habitually give too many shits what people think and I am making a promise to myself and the interwebs that this stops now. It is doing nobody, myself especially, any good to care about the judgement of others.
I am a 30 year old married woman who just moved back into the bedroom of her sixteen year old self and you know what? I’m okay with that. In fact I consider myself lucky. So fuck ya’ll who have issue with something that doesn’t affect your life, because we’re all good here.
My mom has given us an opportunity that most people don’t ever have a chance to do. Make her home ours. It’s fun and amazing and relieving and fun and good and fun.
I get to decorate a house that I have always loved, a house that I am comfortable in and make it the house I have always dreamt of.
Ben and I are loving it. Loving living here. Loving playing house. Loving Long Island. And the house is starting to look so so awesome.
Anyone who knows me well knows that my two favorite things in the world are interior decorating and real estate. I am obsessed. I have been getting listings sent to me from upstate NY to East LA for years. I have spent countless hours on pinterest and glued to hgtv shows. The fact that we have a house in which I get to spend my days curating to make our home, even as a person who cannot afford to buy property at the moment is incredible and such a gift.
I have nothing to prove by living in the city, a place I don’t want to live again. I’ve spent the last eight years living in cities and I’m good being an hour away. At least for now.
With the exception of the first two months we will start paying my mom rent. We are in no way free loading and in no way ashamed of this decision. In fact we are happy about it and in reality it is actually going to cost us more to live here than it did to live in LA.
I never thought I would ever want to move back to Huntington and now that I’m here I am falling back, or maybe for the first time, in love with the town and place I grew up in.
We moved from one of the most beautiful states in the country and thought for sure it would be a bit of a bummer to be back in NY away from that awe inspiring scenery. Turns out I forgot how beautiful Long Island was. How did I ignore and miss this for the twenty two years that I lived here?
With all of that said I have felt so much judgement since we’ve been back. From strangers. From friends. So much so that I am writing this post saying that I don’t give a fuck when clearly I do, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this post at all. Clearly, I am defending myself and Ben for our choice when I have no reason to outside of my own insecurities.
In all honesty while some people have been very blatant about their judgement with others I'm probably just projecting. So in the effort of not giving a shit and releasing what others think, I need to do the same with myself. Stop projecting. Stop assuming everyone is against me. Because in reality we have so much support and love and understanding here and that is the truth I need to hold onto when random dude in coffee shop makes a comment about Ben and I living with my mom.
It is good that I am realizing how much I need to release this habit of caring too much, because I am about to do something that is going to throw equal amounts of judgement and support onto me. Something that I am terrified and excited about. Something that has been magnifying all of my insecurities and choices in every area of my life. Something that I am not ready to share and won’t until it happens. Secrets secrets ;).
A big thing that has been helping in my letting go process has been the gratitude practice I started last week. It is easier for me to be more confident in my decisions and current life situations when I am taking time to focus on all that I have. I highly recommend it to anyone struggling in any area of life but especially the area of feeling judged.
My old meditation teacher David Harshada Wagner had a saying that deems super fitting for this moment in time: Fuck the naysayers.
For real, fuck em.