Self Worth: Unconditional Love
It is not lost on me how lucky I am to have my husband. I know how rare our relationship is. I know how much of a gift it is to have found each other. He is my best friend and soul mate and there is literally no one else in the world that I would want to spend my time with.
This is not to say that we don’t drive each other insane sometimes. Marriage, relationships of any kind, are hard. For a long while-- due to both of our codependent tendencies-- we lost our individual selves in our relationship.
Moving to LA and a lot of the events that occurred while we have lived out here really forced us to face that. We had to re find ourselves as people. He needed to be Ben and I needed to be Sara in order for us to be a healthy functional Ben and Sara.
I am sure, amongst many other things, that it is something we will forever have to work on. But that’s okay. The hard work and bad days are worth every second of knowing that we have a forever companion who we genuinely love more than either of us expected possible.
I mean that sincerely. This is my online version of gross PDA. But I legit had no clue a love like ours was possible. A love that despite all odds continues to grow and grow and grow.
Not only did I not think it was possible…
You know what, that’s a lie. I did think it was possible. As someone who has spent the majority of her life living vicariously through other people’s romances--specifically super heightened TV/movie relationships-- I totally thought it was possible. I just didn’t think it was possible for me, because I didn’t think I deserved it.
The craziest thing about finding your person, is that, that feeling of unworthiness does not go away. Ben and I have been together for eight years and married for five, and still STILL, even after all of the healing work and self reflection that both of us have done, I find myself doubting it.
Not doubting us. Doubting that I am worthy of our love.
Ben loves me completely unconditionally. This is not a brag. This is the truth.
After years of unrequited love and feeling unwanted and hurt 100% of the time I was not prepared to understand or accept unconditional love outside of my family. I was fully ready to love someone else unconditionally, but it took a long time for me to accept it for myself.
Honestly, It is still a struggle.
Before Ben and I met, my entire romantic life existed only in my head. I would fall for unavailable people who even if they had feelings for me would never act on them for whatever reason.
It has come to my attention that there is a wound here that I have not healed yet. A wound that has become a through-line in every area of my life. A wound that existed long before any unrequited love entered my life but certainly grew due to them. By no fault of the other party considering they were all mostly completely unaware it was happening.
The best way for me to explain what this wound is, is by relating it to my history of those experiences.
Last week during a session with my healer I was talking about my fear of moving back to New York, specifically Long Island, and all of the history it held for me. This inevitably brought up some of those relationships from my past and people I was scared to run into again.
I am not going to go deep into this next thing I am about to say, because it warrants its own post, but since I have moved to LA I have been really working hard to love my body as it is.
I have a really really hard time with my arms. I never got the last two surgeries to remove the extra skin after my initial weight loss (I did however get a lower body lift, which is another story for another day) and I’ve since gained some of that weight back and my arms (and legs) are the areas of my body that I hold the most shame.
In LA, I really forced myself to be in the world without a cardigan in 100 degree heat. I wasn’t always successful at it. I still hid myself a lot of the times. But I had many days where I just threw caution to the wind and said fuck it. It wasn’t worth dying of heat stroke to hide areas of my body that were probably a lot worse in my head than they were in reality.
We are moving back to NY in the beginning of spring. NY heat is a million times worse than LA. The beast of humidity is real and I am so scared. One, because I am choosing to leave nonstop perfect weather. But two, because I am going to have to face my fears again and choose whether or not to hide myself and feed into my insecurities.
While in my session, while talking about my arms, I said to my healer this: “Honestly I could give a fuck for the most part, I barely know anyone on Long Island, but the idea of certain people seeing me like that, it feels almost like I am validating their reasoning to have not wanted me. Like they will look at me and say to themselves ‘Gross, thank god I never went there.' "
Now let me reiterate. Ben and I have been together for over eight years. I am happily married to a man who loves me and thinks I am beautiful and tells me so a million times a day. Yet for some reason, almost ten years after these events, after eight years and counting of unconditional love, I am still holding my self worth against situations and feelings that for the most part were probably not even real.
For a long time I really couldn’t understand why. I felt like a complete crazy person for even thinking about these things anymore. But I get it now. It was easier for me to hide a deep rooted wound in the face of a person I felt rejected by.
Somewhere along the line I learned to truly believe that I would never be enough. There would always be something inherently wrong with me. Whether it be my weight, my health, or my intense emotions. I would never be good and I would never be worthy.
For a while I embraced that belief and wore it as a badge of honor. If I was going to be fucked up I would be the MOST fucked up. But as I found my path to healing and recovery I was constantly fighting against that belief. It is a very large part of why I write about my history and welcome you all into my world to an extent.
Blogging, writing, sharing is all my way of fighting against feeling like I don’t deserve to be seen, it is a direct challenge to it. But with every book and post and article there is a part of me that as I press share is loudly saying, “You’re a fucking joke, no one is going to read this and you are gross and don’t deserve any success and are just embarrassing yourself by putting this out there.”
I have been trying to shut that voice off my whole life. It is deeper than fear, or my body, or my words, or any form of external love.
It is a belief that while I try so fucking hard not to listen to or feed into is always there, always lingering, always ready to pop up and remind me when I am at my most vulnerable.
Or you know, when I’m just sitting around watching TV, or hanging out with friends, or doing the dishes, or whenever it fucking feels like it.
Every day there is a constant fight between the me who truly does believe that I do deserve love and success and happiness and this deep rooted wound.
As I continue to heal I do feel this voice getting softer. I honestly don’t know if it will ever go away, but I will continue to do all of the work that I can in order to turn it into a whisper.
The best way I can think to do that is to continue to share, continue to be vulnerable, continue to face my fears of being seen and keep putting myself out there.
I am beautiful and I am worthy of unconditional love and so are you.