March Madness: Anniversaries
I’m tired. Exhausted really. And honestly despite making a personal promise to myself that I would do a blog post every week, I didn’t know if I would have the energy to do one this time. But this week--today-- is important. Really important. Because today marks the two year anniversary of bingemystory.com.
At another time maybe I would be able to really write about how that makes me feel. About how proud I was of myself for completing that memoir/project and releasing it in my own way. About how scary it was. About the disappointment of it not hitting in the way I had hoped. About the realization that if it had hit in the way I had hoped at that time, that I wouldn’t have been emotionally ready for it. About how I am ready now and still praying that someday it will get recognized, published, and make a bigger difference in people’s lives. About how there is a new chapter that I feel is important to write and add to it and how I am still living that new chapter.
At another time in a different month I would elaborate more eloquently on all of those things, but this is March and March is hard for me.
March has for some reason always been a month filled with important events and transitions in my life. Generally really really big really really difficult ones. And despite how I often forget that all of what I am about to write below happened in the same month-- as soon as it turns March 1st, I feel it.
Here is a timeline of my March’s throughout the years:
2004: I had my second suicide attempt, spent a week in the ICU, another week in a hospital in upstate New York, and then finally was admitted into a treatment center in Florida where I would live and heal for two months.
2005: After another relapse (of my eating disorder) and another fight with my insurance company I was finally admitted into the long term treatment center in Virgina that we had been trying to get me into for two years. I lived and somehow survived there for six months.
2008: After losing 160 lbs and falling in love, I moved to Brooklyn and gained independence for the first time in my life.
2011: I quit my very lucrative yet soul sucking job. The next day I left for a road trip from Brooklyn to Austin for SXSW with my best friend Lorenna and blogged for Blackbook magazine-- my first real writing job (thanks to said best friend).
2013: Ben went to Los Angeles to visit a friend and the office of a job he had been freelancing for, a job that would hire him on full time, and a visit that would become a move--two months later I would pack up our lives and the cats and join him.
2014: I released bingemystory.com, a multi-media memoir. A memoir that took me five years to finish, a memoir that I put my entire soul into, a memoir that I chose to release as a website both so it had more reach and could help more people and because I had no connections and no real knowledge in how to explain what it was to literary agents who could help me publish it for real.
2015: Five months into Ben’s unemployment and the darkest our marriage has ever looked I put in my notice at my job telling them that at the end of April I was finished. I also started school at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and for the first time in a long time felt like, despite the fact that we had no stability, I was on a career path that felt both fulfilling and right.
2016: In three weeks we will be once more packing up our lives and moving back to NY. The day before we move I will graduate from IIN and officially become a certified health coach.
Every year around this time a flood of emotions rise up to the surface. When it’s a quiet March I often times don’t remember all of the craziness and hugeness this month has held--but during months where big transitions show up again I remember it all.
This year I remember it all. This year maybe because this move and my graduating and starting a new career are so huge-- it is hitting me hard.
Last night I got at most three hours of sleep. Currently I am writing this post laid out on my couch because my back has been in spasm all day and my pelvis has once again been thrown out-- the first time since the end of September. Honestly, it wasn’t even until this morning that the March madness hit me. But now I understand why. Now I remember.
Whenever big things like this rise to the surface things get a little harder, but I am doing a lot of deep healing right now so in some respect I welcome it. Rise up to burn off. I can handle it. I am strong. Stronger now than ever. I am also self aware enough to know that now is one of those times when I need to reach out for help, and I have. My week so far has been filled with healers. Which of course has only encouraged more stuff to rise up to the surface.
I am healing. I am ready. March is big, but I am bigger. My past can no longer take me down. But the energy is still a little overwhelming and so I am going to do the best that I can--considering we are gearing up to move across the country-- to continue slowing down and resting.