Loving Myself As Is
Mercury finally went direct last week and boy was it a doozy. I’ve talked to people from both camps. Those who had an experience like me where their whole world got shaken up and they spent most of the twenty days just trying to make it out of bed; and those who didn’t feel it at all. It was rough. Really rough. But as always I learned so much.
This last retro for me was all about facing my shit. So much stuff from my past or habits I have, showed up full force. I had a choice. I could recognize it and choose to feel it and deal with it, or I could crawl into bed and go back to sleep and try not to wake up until it was over. I chose to deal. I chose to deal because after thirty years on this earth I know well enough now that if I don’t deal, it’s just going to keep showing up until I do.
I felt like a crazy person during most of this. I felt overwhelmed by my addictions and impatience and depression. There were days when I couldn’t get myself to leave the house. There was a lot of crying...so much crying. But with that came a lot of release.
In the midst of it all I was starting my health coaching business. No matter how I felt I had to write. No matter what I was going through I had to compartmentalize and move my shit aside in order to help my clients.
During my training they talk a lot about mirroring. Which is when clients who are dealing with the same issues you are will show up and mirror for you the things that you yourself need to deal with. So much mirroring came up this last month. So many times when talking to a client did the phrase, “I’m saying this for myself as much as I am saying this for you” come out of my mouth. I had been told by friends who are coaches about how much of a positive affect coaching has on your life as an individual but even so I never realized how much it would help me on my own healing path. Each session I did I left a little more healed and 1000% more sure that this is the work I am meant to do. The most exciting part about that is this is only the beginning.
After each one of my sessions I was reminded of all of the tools I had to help deal with the things that were showing up for me and little by little I started to reintegrate them. One of those tools is knowing when it is time to reach out for help. So finally last week I contacted my healer and set up a session.
I have mentioned in numerous posts all of the work I have been doing on shedding and letting go and truly healing in ways I never thought possible. I feel the work, I know it is working. My energy is much clearer. My path much more focused. But each time any of my old shit showed up I would get panicked, think I was failing, and seriously question if I would ever truly be able to move forward and get out of my own way.
During my session my healer reminded me of the most simple and obvious yet most profound piece of knowledge. She woke me up to the fact that throughout all of this I kept looking at the parts of myself that I have deemed “bad” ie my depression, addictions, body image, self destructive nature, fear-- as things I needed to get rid of. I was doing the work as a way to run away from those parts of me and that was never going to happen.
All of these things are not bad or good they are just a part of who I am. She encouraged me to embrace them. To welcome them as part of my whole and to love them as I’ve been working so hard to love every other part of me. To say to them, I accept you but I do not give you a voice right now. To feel safety in knowing that those qualities are still there if I want them, but to have solace in the fact that I have a choice in whether I allow them to be the ones at the wheel. What all of this comes down to is something that is so powerful and simple and giant-- loving myself as is.
I have been given this advice for as long as I can remember, I’m sure in some way we all have. This was the first time I was not only ready to hear it but ready to implement it. All of my stuff is worthy of love. All of my stuff has made me who I am. Somewhere along the line I got so scared of embracing those parts of myself. So scared that if I did embrace them I wouldn’t be able to get out from under them. When in reality it was the running away from them that was keeping me stuck and living in shame.
I am making the choice to no longer be ashamed of any part of me. I am making the choice to move forward with everything in tow. I choose to love myself as is. Every single part. I am far enough along on this path to know that this is going to take time and effort. But just by making that choice I already feel lighter and more at ease and so much more accepting of who I am.
There is this really amazing Elizabeth Gilbert quote from her book Big Magic about fear and creativity. I first heard it during an interview on NPR and it blew me away then as much as it does now.
“Dearest Fear, Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting – and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still – your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”
I will leave you with that and encourage you to embrace your whole self. Every single nitty gritty part of it. Love yourself as is. And always know, that I am on this journey with you.